REWARD OFFERED FOR MISSING DOG!

REWARD OFFERED FOR MISSING DOG!

BY: JIM CAULDER 1-10-10
Dogs are never allowed in our house except on Christmas Eve. Rowdy, our dazzling white Eskimo Spitz and beloved member of the family, was ritualistically, washed and blow dried. Then stuff was sprayed, sprinkled and dabbed on, until he looked good, smelled good and sparkled like a stripper at The Doll House Lounge. Then he was brought into the den. He was so excited, jumping up and down yapping in short high pitched squeals. Rowdy would run back and forth, helping anyone that was opening a present, to tear off the wrapping paper. Then he would look at the present, look at the person and bark as if to say “I like it, do you like it”. We all love Rowdy. He always added so much to the evening.
This Christmas started out the same as usual. The evening went well. I did notice that grandma MaggieOdealia, was consuming more eggnog that usual, but she seemed happy, and it was Christmas!
About mid-night the presents had all been opened, the children had calmed down, the grown-ups were exhausted, and Rowdy was dozing on the hearth by the fireplace.
Promises were made to assemble what needed assembling, to locate the missing parts, to exchange those items that did not work, and to purchase batteries for everything that needed batteries.
Now, we could go to bed. Happy the evening that had been anticipated for months was over and all was well.
Grandma MaggieOdealia, volunteered to put away the food, straighten up a bit and blow out the candles before she called it a day.
While putting away the food, Grandma MaggieOdealia found the extra pitcher of eggnog in the back of the refrigerator. While we peacefully slept, Grandma MaggieOdealia sipped her way into The Twilight Zone.
We awoke the next morning to find Grandma MaggieOdealia passed out on the sofa, with a half glass of eggnog spilled on her lap and the electric clippers running in her right hand. The pretty red tablecloth had been pulled from the table and spread in the center of the floor in front of the fireplace. On the tablecloth was a half-leg deep pile of sparkling white wool/hair.
We woke up Grandma MaggieOdealia, asked her what had happened. She could tell us nothing. The last thing she could remember was thinking Rowdy`s hair would make a nice Santa Claus beard.
We finally found Rowdy, naked, shivering, looking embarrassed, hiding under towels in the laundry basket.
Grandma MaggieOdealia had too much eggnog and shaved the dog!
Grandma MaggieOdealia seemed as shocked as the rest of us. She slowly started to recall the events of the previous evening. Grandma MaggieOdealia was sooooo remorseful. She swore off eggnog, hard lemonade,all alcohol, except for medicinal purposes, beginning right after New Years Eve. She grabbed Rowdy, hustled into the kitchen, opened a bucket of lard and applied a generous layer of lard all over the surface of Rowdy`s still shaking bare to the skin body. Grandma MaggieOdealia said this would soothe his razor burned skin. Rowdy didn`t like the lard any better than he liked the close shave.
Rowdy broke away, slipping from Grandma`s grasp. He made a wild run for it across the floor, tripped over a ribbon, tumbled then rolled through the pile of discarded wrapping paper .The paper stuck to the lard covering his hairless body. Rowdy was now tightly wrapped and he skidded through the open front door, landed on the front porch, beside the box containing the 3/8” drill I had given my wife for Christmas .She said she was returning it to Sears because it was not variable speed. The UPS man was just bending over to pick up the drill box. He also grabbed up Rowdy, threw both packages into the back of that big brown truck and sped off down the street, while we stood speechless with our mouths open, but no sound would come out.
We called UPS. They were very understanding of our dilemma, apologized repeatedly, but could not offer much help because we had no tracking number. All they could do was guarantee that Rowdy would be delivered somewhere by 4:00 pm the next day!