THE VALUE OF FIDELITY IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

 by: Jim Caulder    

A RESPONSE TO AN INQUIRY POSTED ON QUESTION FISH 

Fidelity is a term used mostly in romantic relationships. There are many other specific meanings and proper uses for the word. However, in this discussion I will explore its negative counterpart, infidelity, which has a much higher emotive potential. I am going to use as a working definition for infidelity the following: failure to behave in a manner you have promised, or are expected to, having knowledge of the expected or committed to expectation, with the ability to have conformed to the expectation or commitment.

The stated causes for infidelity are numerous, but none are acceptable to the betrayed partner. The general public also is not accepting of infidelity, for it undermines a primary building block of society. The person guilty of infidelity may offer excuses but, usually does not approve of this disruptive behavior, either.
The origin of infidelity is rooted in a lack of understanding and acceptance of the value of honor and trust in all personal relationships. Immaturity, insecurity, and a failure of impulse control also play a part when a susceptible mind meets opportunity.
There are many stages, levels or degrees of infidelity. Beginning with discontentedness with some aspect of the relationship, the mind is allowed to conjure up justification for thoughts, fantasies or actions. The ego gets a boost from the attention of another. The conscience is troubled by the betrayal, anxiety increases. The primary relationship becomes strained. This is usually when questions begin and there is a general feeling something is just not right. The offender looks for comfort and validation, since they are being rejected by their partner. The offended partner may be torn between blaming themselves, trying to salvage the relationship or just wanting to be rid of the cause of their troubles. Unless both partners are strong enough and committed enough to engage in honest, factual based, non-judgmental communication, or get professional help, the relationship is in real trouble.
The emotional cost of infidelity is incalculable. The first emotional cost is a further devaluation of self. Initial disappointment in oneself may be followed by a sense of relief that the deceit is not publicly known…yet. When the deed is first suspected, the first response is usually denial, followed by feint surprise or outrage at such an accusation. Under continued pressure, the offender sometimes confesses, may offer excuses, ask for forgiveness, and promise not to let it happen again. Damage has been done to the relationship. Trust has been lost and all parties to the indiscretion have a duty to perform. When I say all parties, I mean ALL parties. Even the partner that suffered the infidelity has a duty to understand, forgive and willingly participate in the salvage, repair and strengthening of this vested relationship. This is important whether they continue in the romantic relationship or not. It may certainly be an unpleasant task. A better understanding of yourself, the importance of boundaries, honoring commitments, self love, tolerance and the value of earned trust, are worth the effort. The relationship may emerge stronger, with renewed appreciation for each other. If this work is not done, suffering is prolonged, mistakes are apt to be repeated, and the risk of additional infidelity is increased.
For all actions there are consequences. Infidelity causes personal emotional pain as well as pain to those close to the partners, especially children from the relationship. There is a loss of motivational investment in the relationship, work suffers, spiritual development is hampered, alienation from family, friends and civic involvement occurs. Anxiety is increased in the offender, and has an impact on all aspects of his/her life and other relationships.
The financial cost of infidelity is unknowable. Loss of work time, sick days, medical expenses, low creativity, slowed upward mobility in the social and professional arena, flowers, gifts, attorney fees, child support, unplanned pregnancies, cost of maintaining separate households, the list has no end and the damage is multi-generational.
In the end, the individuals that have the least responsibility for the infidelity, minor children, suffer the most, the broken family relationship, lack of proper role models, fractured social, educational opportunities, and emotional distress with a risk of having difficulty in their own relationships.
In conclusion, know yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, honor your commitments and
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU
WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU!

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